OF REJECTION

Afraid afraid afraid
Of rejection
I haven’t accepted myself

Fingers are frozen numb
Heart is pounding
Faces swim in my mind
Mirrors or masks?

One face
Framed by all the others

Relinquishing my power again
If only someone would take it
I wouldn’t have to find out what to do with it

Fear fear fear
Do you, don’t you
Will you tell me
Will I listen?

Shiver, shake
Shocked at this reaction
Feels like caffeine
Not entirely pleasant or un
Just jangly

Nervous
Wanting
Waiting

Why have you gone
Where am I going
Will anyone hold my hand?

Question marks lie on tables
Backwards and upside down

Think well of me
I need you to
Although I validate myself…

Laugh with me
Make me howl
Care about me

I need you to care
Will you hold me?
Again

I don’t know if you meant to the first time
But will you do it again?

Why am I miserable?
Why am I nervous?
What is it that intimacy does to me
Even when it’s only in my head?

I think I’m about to be broken
The latest shell torn off
Revealing what little of me I am

A nugget of truth
Taken from the best and worst of the last 10 years

Lessons compiled
Decrypted
Learnt

What I want to build on
And nothing more

Pressure
To co-operate
Get involved
Be part of the team

Would anyone mind if I didn’t do what I’d planned?
If I rolled back to my room and hid?
Would I mind most?

I want to be out and engaged without responsibility
But I know it’s almost done
I don’t like displaying my vulnerabilities

I fear it will put them off me
Or help them understand they were never on
Maybe it will just help them understand

Maybe imperfections are perfection
Maybe if and should and could are redundant
And when and how and now are mine

And I am not him
And he is me
And we are all surrounded by each other
And all of us are love

If all of it is love
Then what are we fighting for

And who?

 

January 2010 – Braziers Park, UK

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