WITH LOVE

At approximately the first stroke of sunshine
On the first day of this year
I asked for Love
I cried for it
Quietly
Silently prayed and wished and screamed
And sighed for it

Beneath the glow of a golden golf-ball
I sat and sniffed
And hoped the wish-granters were listening
Could catch a whiff of my wants
Through the throng of a thousand million minds
Making meaningful resolutions

Were they?

Oh.
They were listening.

Love came calling
Crowding
Malling and pounding
At the doors of my heart
Until the bell broke

The warning signal in tatters
It clattered in
Uninvited
Unexpectedly
Bags in hand
Bursting with energy
And brimful of bridge-building advice

It dumped its belongings
Unceremoniously
In my chest
And went out on the town
Leaving me down on my knees
Clearing up the mess it had made
Of a once-orderly woman

It shone and danced
It spoke to me of joy and sorrow
Promised better tomorrows and
Like a fool
I confused ‘better’
With ‘ease’

There were days
When the world seemed manufactured for magnificence
Days when wants were none
Hands were held
Affections yelled
And smiles seemed never-ending
Suspending belief, I saw
With Relief
That Love was…..
Heavenly.

Well.

If we are to flirt with Heaven….
What of Hell?

It was not as I expected it to be.
The visions
In a head of romance
See fires and demons
And dances with death

But it’s the dance of Life
That’s desperate and mortifying if
Defying Reason and Opportunity
You sit stiff
On the sidelines
And watch

There were times
Of course
When no amount of suppression
Could contain the need for ecstatic expression
And the feet were flying
Arms announcing each new beat
Heated faces
Framed by stars
Formed moments of fantasy
Never before or since
Would the world see this spectacle
So simple
So stunning

Then…
That done
Everything I expected….
Was where I went wandering alone

Imagination may be the key in artistry
And, in so much as life is art
It may even set you free
But to plant such a seed in the needs of relationship
Is to skip reality
Lose the opportunity
A head so far ahead
That what’s actually said is missed
Mis-construed and, eventually
Manipulated
By a mis-guided wannabe Mrs
Into marriage and babies
And maybe more than a steady supply
Of smiles and happiness

Yes.
I went there.
Too many times.
The temptation was always too exempt
From everything I’d tried to teach myself.

So.
A healthy dose of heartache later
I arrived at pen and paper
Where I prepared to bare it all
Hoping to have a happy epiphany
Or three
Before committing it to computer screen
For all to see
And sigh about

HA HA, HO HO and HEE HEE!

Poetic justice
As always
Prevailed
Thank prose for plying my punctured personality
With Reason and Relief

It came so clear, so quickly
That it caught Pain by its private parts
Span it around
Turned it upside down
And emptied its pockets out
Onto the patio floor

As Hurt skulked and sulked by the door
Elbowing Ego
Who was pacing
In a panic
More than a little engrossed
With guessing when the game would be up
And it would be out on its ear……

As Pain –
Poised and preparing to pounce
On its adversary
Ripping it to pieces
With words of sharded glass
And showing little mercy
– realised that Respect had it
By its respective recepticles
And was rearing its head in a way
No lesser emotion could hope to convey
Let alone disobey……

As Thought
Regarding the situation at hand
And
Seeing that all was going quite as planned
Continued to concentrate on forming conclusions
About that most worthy opponent
Life……..

As the world whirled
And the cue queued
Almost at bursting point
And ready to take a stand……

Love tipped its hat
Took two paces
And gestured
In the direction
Of
My hand

Fisted and ready to fight
I saw
For the first time
A faint glow within and
Unfurling my fatigued fingers
Found
My fortune

A gold coin
Shining and shimmering
Showering light
And understanding
Into searching eyes

Sisters
It whispered
With a smile
Your wish was always granted
You’d just planted the seed
Of your affection
Too deep to allow detection

A grin crept into my gut
And kept on growing
Sisters
I repeated
And defeated Disappointment
With a gentle tickle
It fought at first
But couldn’t contain the calming caress of relief
It curled up
Cat-like
And purred, contentedly

The Love you wanted for
Was with you all along
In the women you walked with
(Barefoot, do you remember?)
Washed with
Wished with
Cooked with, sang with, smiled with
All the while
Love was there

The women who watched
As tears sprang
Un-bid
Who let them fall
Held your hand
In their hearts
And un-did your despair

The women who graced you
A permanent place in their thoughts
Who took you for tea
And took time
To be there

Who cared for your fever
Fed you
And fastened you in
That you might have a little security
Mid-spin

The women who
Without warning
Could cause laughter
So heartfelt
It melted the moment
And, in minutes
Could mold misery
Into Joy

It was never about a boy….
….My Love

And as Love shook
Its magnificent, smiling head
I got ready
To re-think the relationships
Re-examine my readiness
To relinquish Hope
Rest my pen and prepare
To put something to bed
Including myself

But
Before I could act
A deep growl grew
From the gut of the beast
It stacked all its weight
On my door
Whacked it open
Unhinged it
And me
The coin fell to the floor….

And I saw
What I’d almost left
Undiscovered
The other side

Brothers!
It cried
Not the lovers you’d sought
Or the masters you imagined
You ought to bow down to
Not the dramas
Of passing pretenders
Not the lenders of hearts
Who drown you in lust
And then leave you
Lost and unclear

But dear
Dear Brothers
Who ask nothing from you
But affection
Perfection
In one sweet-heart smile
Kisses that make no Mrs of you
But instead grant your skin
The warmth of a day
In their company

Men of honesty
Nature and pride
Who hide nothing
Having learnt long ago
That the meaning of self
Is to be what’s inside
And to sleep at night
Is to face fears
In the light of day
So as to avoid the more frightening prospect
Of dust-ridden dreams

Brothers.

I cried.

My heart sang through the sobbing
Robbing my lungs of breath
I hung my hopes out
To dry in the sun
And rested my head
In the hands of Relief
It stroked my hair…
It winked at me
And I smiled with it
And as I lay there….

I thought of you all

And I thought of you all

And I thought of you all

With Love

 

October 2009 – Valencia, Spain

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